I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
