Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
