How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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