Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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