Im at strip club and am horny
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
