I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
