what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i will never coherently bang her
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
