That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
