How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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