She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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