i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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