I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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