Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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