I wish I could teleport
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
