This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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