College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
