Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
