Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
