My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
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