I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
