im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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