my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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