You smell like a Billy Joel song
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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