god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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