My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
