I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
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