I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
