If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
