Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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