I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
worst night to have a conscience
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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