You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
