I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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