I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
