Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
