oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
