2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
