Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
