Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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