i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
