remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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