he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
