I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
