i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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