I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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