A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
