we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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