Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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