I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
