Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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