"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
