idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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