I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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