Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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