Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
