I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
