there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
