You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
